I'm Going To Be Late: How To Be A Hipster

I've seen a lot of posts with this exact title and from them, I have realised that there are many different types of hipster. Firstly, you have the self-proclaimed hipsters, who proudly express their love of tea, cats, YouTube vloggers, Apple products and thick-rimmed non-prescription glasses. Secondly, the long haired, tanned, Vitamin Water chugging, iPhone snapping Cali-girls who just love taking photos with skateboards, listening to Drake and saying 'YOLO'. But then you have THE OTHERS. The hipsters in denial, AKA the original brand of hipster, with their worshipping of all Pitchfork-recommended bands, green tea, hidden 'reworked vintage' shops on Brick Lane and 'proper' photography. And this is an all inclusive guide on how to become one...

1) A high cultural capital.
If you want to truly commit to the cultured hipster lifestyle, you have to truly believe in it. You are interested in Jean-Paul Sartre's existentialism theories. Of course you know and love every photo Dash Snow has ever taken and, naturally, you know the V&A galleries back to front and attend exhibitions at Somerset House monthly. A monthly unlimited cinema membership is also highly recommended, so you can go and see all of the hyped up Hollywood blockbusters then go home and write a blog post on how overrated it was.

2) 'Photography'
I use the word photography here loosely. Of course, we're all guilty of uploading a load of half decent photos of fields to Facebook in an album entitled 'errm photography' when we received our first digital camera (...right?) but hipsters are not about the digital camera. Oh no. An essential hipster life mantra is keeping the past alive, so anything too modern (apart from Apple products obvs) is a big no no. If you can afford it (and all of the printing paper you'll need), invest in a Polaroid camera for true vintage style. If times are hard, simply pick up a disposable camera. HIPSTERS LOVE DISPOSABLE CAMERA PHOTOS. I can't deny that I do too, you can't help but feel as if the photos were taken in the 80s. But don't just take normal photos with them. Here are a few ideas...

Classic. If you can get a shot of a load of lights at night time, you don't have to use the flash, which gives connotations of those retro Lana Del Rey-ish cheap thrills, y'know?

Fuzzy quality Starbucks cold beverages on a seemingly sunny day, pink drinks are preferred. We like connotations of road trips.

Ah, none of them looking at the camera gives that natural vibe.

...You get the idea. Naturally, you'll already own an iPhone and have Instagram (which is soooo the place to be for keen photographers) so that doesn't need to be mentioned. Hipsters love putting a brown 70s style filter over an already good quality photo.

3) Read.

Well, duh, what else are you going to do in Starbucks apart from Instagramming your chosen beverage? But don't just get interested in any old genre. In fact, don't read anything written in the last 10 years, far too mainstream and so not showcasing your appreciation for the past. If you really want to be cultured, read a book in French, such as Camus' (pronounced 'Camoo', although naturally you already knew) L'Étranger or Jean-Paul Sartre's La Nausée. Don't study French? Not a problem, it's all about the image. It is also essential to carry a battered second hand copy of J.D. Salinger's Catcher In The Rye around with you EVERYWHERE, a universally appreciated book with the hipster seal of approval. You should generally stick to this carefully compiled list of classic intellectual hispter books...

On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Looking For Alaska by John Green (both modern but still loved worldwide)
Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
Post Office by Charles Bukowski
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
Animal Farm by George Orwell
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

The last few mentioned are all dystopian novels which you must learn to know and love, as all hipsters love any Big Brother-esque book which criticises society about how controlled we all are, y'know? You could read The Hunger Games but no one would appreciate your literary genius, would they? A few authors you should generally appreciate are Murakami, F. Scott FitzGerald, Oscar Wilde, Raymond Chandler and Ernest Hemingway.

4) Cinema.

You must adore Hitchcock's entire filmography and believe that at least one 'big' director is incredibly overrated. Get to know Hollywood's Golden Age era and maybe some Italian neorealism, whose characteristics combined to create the French New Wave. Watch Jean-Luc Godard's Masculin Feminin, an 'edgy' film for its time which you will probably have seen screencapped on Tumblr at some point or another. Dig black and white films.

Masculin Feminin. Totes deep.

5) Arts & Humanities subjects or nothing.

Gosh, hipsters don't go into higher education to study quantitative A Levels or a demanding medicine degree. Instead, you'll choose subjects all based in the same corridor, such as Philosophy, English Literature, French and Photography. WHEN you go to uni (are you an Exeter 'rah' student? Or more of a grungy music-loving Sheffield student?) you'll read the occasional book, investigate independent local cafés and keep a fashion blog on your MacBook/iPhone/iPad whilst wondering why the physics and mathematics building looks so dreary and why you never see medicine students out and about.

6) Style.

Basically, americanapparel.net is the bible. Seconded by Urban Outfitters. You love charity shops but prefer to call them thrift shops because it's far more hip. You make monthly train journeys up to Brick Lane/Camden to look for reworked vintage Levi's 512s and buy Lennon-esque sunglasses. You worship the ground Mary-Kate Olsen, Alexa Chung and Charlotte Free walk on and their boho chic style (aka just rolled out of bed and threw anything on) is an inspiration to you. You must own...

All of the V-necks EVER
Totes orig white t-shirts with some sort of vintage bicycle emblem on them that you just stumbled upon at a festival or Camden market
An old blingy thick gold chain necklace
A plain grey sweater (see how MK wears them)
Some form of high waisted American Apparel pant
Converse just go without saying
A little bit of crucifix embossed jewellery to stay true to the roots but NEVER a top/leggings with the crucifix motif
A tan leather vintage satchel - never a Cambridge Satchel, obviously, they're far too mainstream now and you'd much rather the original item
Many, many headbands and Americana-esque bandanas
A bowler hat
Lots and lots of vintage band t-shirts
Plenty of grandad jumpers and charity shop find shirts to pair together (because wearing an old cable knit jumper over a collared shirt makes you a fashion icon)
Frilly little Topshop socks
High waisted Levi's shorts
A bow tie (ha, it's like totes ironic... right?)
A hell of a lot of crop tops
The festival bands of all of the festivals you've been to over the years. "Ah, what a crazy weekend that was..." Festival bands = you are living life.

A true hipster would never wear a camo jacket. SO MAINSTREAM GOSH. In terms of hair and make-up, the 'bed head' look is so the way to go. Just roll out of bed, don't even touch your hair, apply some clear eyebrow gel, some bronzer to emphasize those cheekbones, a bit of Olsen-style smoky brown eyeshadow, a flick of winged eyeliner and some Carmex and you're done.

7) Music.

When it comes to music, Pitchfork is your best friend. Any unknown psychedelic indie band they score 7/10 or higher YOU LOVE. There's no question about it, they will be huge in 3 year's time but obviously you're not a fan of their recent stuff, their most popular stuff is their poorest and you think their first ever EP is by far their best piece of work but obviously no one knows about that. It goes without saying that you love The Stones. What's your favourite song? Well, Sweet Child O' Mine is such a tune, right? Oh this top? Nooo it's not from Republic, it's totally official merchandise...

Obviously you love all the classics like Nirvana (note: not a clothing brand), Joy Division, The Beatles, The Stone Roses... But you also love all the alternative stuff, like Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective, Toy, Girls, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bright Eyes, Death Cab For Cutie and The Avett Brothers. And O B V I O U S LY you worship The Strokes.

8) Coffee.

Yes, coffee does deserve its own category. But not just any coffee - it's black coffee or nothing. You're going for that Brooklyn poet vibe. But for the sake of a disposable camera snap, a few of Starbs' cold (pink) beverages are allowed in the summer. Coffee is a touchy subject with hipsters. Obviously, your main choice is Starbucks but a true hipster would not support this commercialism and would instead support local cafés where they get their own mug hung on the wall. Tea is also controversial. Three years ago, you couldn't get enough of it but ugh, now everyone's jumped on the bandwagon and this whole tea drinking cat loving stereotype is becoming so mainstream, so it's time to switch to green tea. It's all about the detox now.

You are now a fully fledged hipster, but just to be sure, here's a final checklist of must-haves...

An Italian moleskine notepad to write down all of your deep thoughts and poetry whilst people watching in coffee shops
Black nail varnish
A record player
Magazine collages on your bedroom wall
iPod AT ALL TIMES
Some Urban Outfitters headphones for those long train journeys to London spent staring out the window reflecting
An NME subscription (even if they are a little too mainstream for you)
An old leather hip flask
Seemingly pointless items from vintage markets scattered around your room
Leather bound books on display in your house
Pinterest. So much less juvenile than Tumblr.